A Second Set of Hands

    No one warned me before having my kids.  It was all CONGRATULATIONS and YAY!  Everyone talks about how sweet the babies are and what a blessing they bring to us.  They fail to mention how those little blessings cry all the time, how they poop all over us and lets face it sleep is rare.

     It is more than safe to say I had no idea what I was doing.  I was a stay at home mom so my job was solely to be their mom.  It was not as simple as feeding them, bathing them and making sure they were safe.  It was teaching them please and thank you.  It was being consistent when you said no.  It was putting out every fire when things did not go their way.  

     About a week or so ago my daughter came over with her new baby, my second grandson.  She decided she would drop my kids off at VBS while I stayed and snuggled the baby.  How sweet he was sleeping in my arms.  All of the sudden my arm and hands became warm and wet.  He started squirming and then of course woke up crying.  Grandma to the rescue!  Simple right?  Yeah well if you all remember new born babies and how fun the process of changing them is.  Turned into stripping of all clothes, carrying his naked body to the sink and attempting to give him a quick bath.  As you can imagine with a boy I was just hoping he would not hose down the kitchen while I was getting the water warm.  I really needed a second pair of hands, even if they were a four year olds hands, anything at this point would have been helpful.  Needless to say baby Jack was not having it, which seemed to rush things.  Lathered him all up, rinsed him off and bundled him in towel and held him close so he would feel at ease.  Awh so precious he was.  I finally sit down on the couch, he is bundled up safe in my arms and so so sweet.  My hand was under his bottom and I was getting ready to lay him down to put a diaper on when all of the sudden this loud vibration filled my hand and what felt like a squishy mess.  All I could say was " Lord have mercy on me!"  Well quickly back up for another quick bath to the lower half with yes you guessed it a very unhappy little boy again.  Finally done and this time with a lot more hustle to get that diaper on.  It was a crazy fifteen minutes, between his two messes and now me who needed to change as well.

     I remember those days and those crazy moments.  Although when they are yours and you are with them all day you might have a dozen moments of panic like that all day.  One minute you are gazing in this beautiful humans eyes and feeling complete awh and the next it looks like their head is about to spiral out of control.  

     Moms have their pride and joy in their kids.  Their whole lives are wrapped up in their children.  We fooled ourselves early on by thinking we have to be perfect and our kids will never do this or that.  I always love hearing moms say how wonderful it is being a mom and what a blessing they are while they are all perfectly put together on the outside.  Lets face it though we know their inside is a crazy mess like the rest of us.  Guess what ladies, it is okay to not be perfect.  My kids were always very polite and well mannered around people.  I was so proud with the many compliments.  That was a reflection of me doing my job.  There were countless compliments of them, still are.  As you know though kids are not always the same perfect creatures at home.  This inner being comes out once you walk through your door and it is a whole other story!  

     We put up a facade that we have it all together and how many times do we cry because everything feels so out of control.  There is no way we can tell anyone or be real about how incredibly hard it is.  A second set of hands is all we need and we can just fold all the laundry, wash the dishes and at the same time quiet the beastly angels we love so much.  There is always that one mom we see whose kids look perfect, her house is spotless and she just seems to have it all together.  Gag!  Those moms made me cringe with everything so perfect!  

     Kids get older and many things get easier.  Their lives change and then so does ours with different struggles.  Yet our image is still trying to keep up the appearance of having it all together.  We still cry in the bathroom because we do not want them to see or we still snap because we have felt our failure come out.  

     My oldest daughter was fifteen when she became pregnant.  She went to church every Sunday and two different youth groups.  She hung around with good kids and kids who spent the same amount of time in church.  We had every serious conversation you can imagine from religion, friends, pressures teens face.  I was not naive by any means just hopeful all I had tried to enforce would stick.  The news of her pregnancy was so very upsetting.  I felt a failure in myself, a disappointment and I felt so much fear.  How did this happen? I was trying to do everything right.  Of course I did not do everything right because none of us do.  It took a long many months to get my head in check.  It was several months in to her pregnancy my oldest two and her friend telling me what high school was really like.  Hearing stories of what would be perceived good kids doing the same thing as everyone else.  Only difference was mine got caught and other parents were living in LaLa land saying, " No I talked to my kids and they said they wanted to wait,"  Ahhh yeah well my kid said that too!  The failure I had felt as a parent during that time, made me reflect on my own teen years.   I realized you can be close to your kids, but there are more than likely some things they just will not share with you.  Mostly guilt or conviction on their part and not wanting to let you down.  Yes I remember feeling that way.  It was then I realized I was not a failure, I was normal.

     In the midst of all the chaos during that time she had a friend whom at the time was very close to all of us in the family.  She confided in me, she vented and she could be real.  Many times she complained of her own mother and pointing out her constant hypocrisy.  One day this young lady was yet again venting and proceeded to tell us that her mother blamed divorce on my daughters pregnancy.  Low and behold it was my fault she got pregnant!  Sorry, but the humor of that gets me every time.  I can say this, I was not that offended because one the source and two the ignorance.  For starters this comment  (that has managed to be told to me many times over the years because of this individual) is asinine considering this very person had her own children out of wedlock and her own daughter was doing the exact same thing.  Don't get me wrong I realize divorce does things to kids, but if you were to speak to my daughter today she would say it was the pressure of being a teen girl and wanting a boys approval.  Regardless moms if I can get one thing through your heads it would be this....DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS!  Why is this so important?  We must realize we are imperfect and our kids will be too no matter how naive we may be.  Teach your kids about failure and then teach them how to learn from it.  Teach them they do not have to hide out and cry alone because of a bad choice.  This is life, an imperfect profound life that we can learn from.  Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fall short the glory of God."  This one simple verse says it all!  Ladies, moms and grandmas we do not have to hide behind a mask of perfection.  It is okay, we are not alone in any struggle, any trial and any imperfections whether it be of us or our kids.  Be real with your kids, allow them to see your imperfections, talk to them and then learn to be humble.

     At the end of the day our kids are our beautiful miracles.  We love them unconditionally.  Our lives may be filled with chaos and stress and we may want to have a nervous breakdown.  It does get easier.  Some of the best advice I ever got as a young mother of young children was this, when we feel overwhelmed and are not feeling the joy, just say get on back Satan, nothing going to steal my joy.  Stop, breath and realize you are not alone.  Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Say these things over and over again if you need to, believe me it helps.  When we feel alone and need that second set of hands to help us through, realize we are in God's hands so that is even better!

Psalm 138:3  "In the day when I cried out, You answered me and made me bold with strength in my soul."

    

To Be Destroyed....Or Not!

     Generally I do not start with a scripture, but this would not be the same if I did not start with how this thought happened.  In the process of reading Proverbs, which I love by the way, I came across a verse that made me chuckle.

     Proverbs 13:3 Anyone who guards what he says guards his life. But anyone who speaks without thinking will be destroyed.  Solid words of wisdom yet what hit me as funny was how many times do we or I want to destroy someone who does not think?  I apologize if my sense of humor is misunderstood.  Like many of you we are exposed to so many types of people and to put it nicely some of those people are not the smartest of individuals.  We all face those moments when we can choose to lash out or we can choose to hold our tongues.  

     Lets face it this would be way to long if I broke down the nature of different personalities so I will throw myself on the chopping block to explain where I am coming from.  After years of being the type who never spoke up and honestly was quite miserable in the process I had to learn to find a voice.  While discovering this boldness that was buried underneath all the yuck it occurred to me there has to be a balance.  One thing I was always good at was observing people and on many levels I admired the bold in others.  Although as we all know men generally come across like jerks and women well we all know how they come across.  Being bold does not always mean they think so this is where there has to be a balance.

     It is safe to say I do not have a problem speaking up now, however knowing when and how to are key to not being destroyed as the scripture puts it.  James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, pay attention to what I say.  Everyone should be quick to listen.  But they should be slow to speak.  They should be slow to get angry. 

     If only I could master this scripture to the fullest!  With most I have no problem listening and then processing how I want to reply that would be the most productive.  Then there are those certain people that automatically ignite this irrational anger in us so we let all this fly out the window.  

     Since I am throwing myself under I shall give two example of this from my own personal experience.  Recently, I had a phone call that started with irrational lashing out.  For about two seconds I tried to remain calm, even asked if he would like to hear the whole story and not just the one side.  His lack of thinking perpetuated this fire that made me want to destroy him.  Yeah yeah I know that is not what the scripture was meaning for us to be doing the destroying.  Okay I must confess my actual thought was "you are an idiot and you are pissing me off'," not very productive I know.  Needless to say this lack of thinking on one persons part led to me not thinking on mine.  See how important it is for everyone to think before they speak?  That evening I was fuming, by next day I was like okay whatever he is ridiculous so I am not losing sleep over it.  What have I learned?  Hmmm do not answer your phone from irrational people because they make me irrational?  Ummm well maybe more like this, if this were to happen again most importantly control how I react.  I cannot control the lunacy and lack of thinking of idiots oh I mean some people, but we can control how we respond. 

     My next example which I handled much better for the exception of that fume remaining on a leash and not escaping my mouth that time.  No need for a lot of details, but to sum it up an individual, another male in fact who has a regular problem of never thinking before he speaks.  To be as nice as possible this individuals words never carry any weight with anyone.  Sad to say, but there are a lot of those out there and they do not even see it.  In this situation he attempted to throw someone else under the bus when everyone else knew it was his issue, his lack of follow through and his laziness that was the true issue.  To be honest, he made a passive aggressive comment to make himself feel better.  For what ever reason it seriously rubbed me the wrong way.  Generally I can nod and act like things are no big deal because my philosophy with certain types is you cannot rationalize with some people, ever.  I can honestly tell you I was boiling over and felt like my skin was on fire.  Inside I was screaming "That's it!  You are crazy!  Shut your pie hole! etc etc"  I generally try to avoid people that bring this out in me, it is safer for everyone that way.  Unfortunately I was not so lucky this particular day.  Miraculously somehow I managed to bite my lip, literally and it hurt!  I knew nothing productive would come out of me reacting so I zipped it shut and saved probably several lives in the process.  Score one for me!  

     Well we all have our issues and we all have those moments we have to resist the tongue.  We also have those moments our tempers may get the better of us.  Growth is about learning from those times.  When faced with a person who is always so quick with their words generally speaking those people shut others down.  Facebook is a perfect example of this.  People always say did you see so in so's post or this or that.  Ahhh no because all the short tempers, drama queens and completely non productive negativity has turned myself and others in the tunnel of avoidance.  Like I said, we cannot change others, but we can control our reactions.  What we can do for others is be real.  Yes we will fall flat on our faces in failure at times, but if we are real and not arrogant about it that goes much farther than a big show to keep up appearances.  Keep your heart in check, I know I joke about idiots and whatnot, but here is the thing in all things we have no idea what is going on with others so do not be to harsh.  Most importantly pray!  What else is more peaceful.  

     

Colossians 2:2-3

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, 

3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

All the Many Voices

     When I was a kid I remember always being told to listen.  Everywhere kids go they are told to listen, listen and listen.  Problem is we are trained to listen but unfortunately we listen to everything growing up.

     Something generally happens that changes that for us.  Unfortunately it is generally a negative.  I remember being junior high age and a girl started a rumor about me.  It was heartbreaking at that age.  I could not understand how someone could just make something up and everyone just jumped on their bandwagon.  As a female I can promise you that may have been the first time, but it was not the last time it happened to me.  Like so many you learn once you are on that end of things that maybe everything you hear is not true about others as well.  In fact you learn who the people are who like to be knee deep in such rumors or lies.  

     For many years of my young adult years I needed words to make me feel loved.  I needed to hear I was a good person, a good mom and a good christian.  However, those voices were just saying what I wanted to hear.  They were just going through the motions of saying words, empty words.  Deep down I knew I was a good person with a big heart and yes I knew I was a good mom.  Not perfect mind you, but my kids were my everything and my first priority.  Being a good christian though?  Yes I wanted to hear that I was because I did a dozen to many things in the church.  I was going through the motions and my actons were as empty as the words about being a good christian.  

     The interesting thing is back then I needed to hear all these good things, but I said all the worst things about myself.  The voices in my head said, you are unworthy, you are not good enough and you will never be anything to anyone.  I believed that.  I talked myself into that early on.  Now when it comes down to it, the root of all of that is satan.  Satan had been telling me every negative thing about myself as long as I can remember.  He convinced me I was unworthy, unloved and never good enough.  I listened to him and gave him way to much power over me for to long.  Even after I thought I was a christian

     After becoming a christian I heard all the talk about God, I talked the talk of God, but I did not understand the voice of God.  My mind wanted to wrap around it all, but I did not know how to make it click.  If you remember from "Sitting In Silence" it was the saddest and loneliest moments that finally made me actually hear Him.  Prayer was the key to me hearing His voice.  Not the traditional say the same words over and over again so your voice is going through the motions but the conversation with God that was life changing.  My words were sincere and at that point I could finally hear God speak to me.  

     Sometimes we can hear God's voice through other people.  God will speak to us through many ways.  I have had so many times through His word.  Some people doubt actually hearing Him though.  One of the first times I actually heard Him was amazing.  Like many times I was driving down the road and talking to Him.  I was discussing a particular issue and said out loud, " But would if I do this and it doesn't go anywhere for me?"  Clear as day immediately I heard this, " It is not about you, it is about doing this for Me."  Wow I can tell you that got my attention.  Most of the time now he speaks to me about people.  He will put someone on my heart to pray for.  Let me give you some great advice though.  I hear God so much better when I focus on Him.  There is a song by Mercy Me called Word of God Speak.  Word of God Speak, Would you Pour Down Like Rain, Washing my eyes to See.  This song sums it up perfectly, His word pours on us to wipe our eyes so we can see more clearly.  Another song reference is, I once was blind but now I see.  Hearing his voice opens not only our eyes but our hearts as well.

      There is a battle going on.  Satan convinces people all the negative, all doubt and fear.  Our negative feelings are not from God, they do not glorify God in any way.  We will all have our moments when the wrong thoughts enter our mind, sometimes change our attitude even.  It is those times having a conversation with God and getting real is how we change those negatives into positives.  An old friend gave me advice a long time ago.  When I get those negative thoughts and hear satan trying to lie or convince me of something wrong then I just say, " Get on back satan, you have no power here!"  I might say it over and over again.  Satan does not like hearing voices rebuke him.  Do not give him any power over you.  Their is only one voice of truth!

Revelations 3:20  Here I am!  I stand at the door and knock.  If any of you hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in ad eat with you.  And you will eat with me.

Fair Weather

     Seeing how it is that time of year and the big game is near lets talk about loyalty.  Obviously I will start with football.  This is one sport I love to watch, whether on tv or live I feel as excited as a little kid going to the fair.  It is full of excitement and never a dull moment.  I will be ,the first to admit I get a little carried away watching my favorite team.

     In 1999 the St. Louis Rams won the Super Bowl against the Tennessee Titans.  Being from Missouri it was a big deal.  All of the sudden football fans, specifically Rams fans came from every direction.  In all honesty I can say this, I am not a Rams fan.  Truthfully I could care less about watching them for the exception if they are playing a team that I without a doubt do not like.  What happened in our area and probably in other areas that this happens is that out of no where everyone was a Rams fan all of the sudden.  So basically because all of a sudden they were winners everyone was backing them up.  What I liked was the quarter back Kurt Warner.  His story is amazing and if you ever need a little inspiration then I would strongly encourage you to look it up.  He is an honorable man and I followed his career until her retired in January of 2010.  

     My grandparents were from Kansas City and so it was easy to cheer for the Chiefs.  When I was late teens I really got into football and my loyalty was always with them.  Over the past twenty plus years I have seen multiple coaches, players and all the ups and downs of this team.  Many years being made fun of for keeping my loyalty there.  In 1993 Joe Montana was traded to the Chiefs.  If you do not know football then I know you know that name.  He is a legend and one of the best players of all time if you ask me.  He pulled a lot of new fans to Kansas City, however when he left I did not lose that loyalty to the Chiefs.  There were many years lets face it the Chiefs were terrible, but I still loved them no matter their success or failures.   Loyal fans of teams or players stick by them, they support them and they love them no matter their mistakes.  Fair Weather fans on the other hand only do that if they are always doing everything perfectly.  Their support wavers, their love comes and goes.

     Okay let me stop boring you with my love of football and convert this to other loyalty issues.  I work in sales so loyalty means a lot to me.  When I started I actually thought I would have loyalty to more people in my area.  Very naive I am sure at first, but did not take long to see that was not going to always happen.  In fact over this time I have lost some respect for people along the way.  I've had people give me every excuse in the book, but come to find out they have done business out of town.  Let me clarify something since I am in sales, I am okay with a no and whatever reason they may have, but not okay with a lie.  In return my loyalty has changed with people I have supported most of my life.  Losing respect is costly.  On the other hand I have people that I have met over the past year or so that believe in me to the fullest.  They are straight forward, honest and value what I do and stand for.  Many are people that I have grown to respect and care about.  Some people have been a work in progress, I have had to keep up with them and their lives, break out my great personality and show them my loyalty and over time I have earned their trust.  That is rewarding, even if it is baby steps, I enjoy that.  I feel like I have accomplished something along the way.

     Years ago when my marriage ended it revealed a lot for me.  I had kept a lot in over my years of marriage, but some of my closest of friends knew about certain things.  I can say this, I did a lot of things wrong and made my fair share of mistakes.  I do not write this to put my ex down in anyway and lift myself up.  When it came to the end the people I had as much loyalty as my ex turned on me.  We at one time had belonged to a church, but had left after many years of being there.  Our core group was there.  My ex always pointed out to me the many times people took me for granted or quick to take advantage of me.  I stood by my loyalty with them for a long time and did not distance myself from some of them.  These were people who were deeply rooted in their church, supposedly deeply rooted to God.  Their ways were not christian like to me at all.  I did not pretend to be the victim, I did not ask for pity.  I struggled a lot with this, people I trusted that turned their back on me.  I realized something monumental in that process.  Their lives and mine at one time were about going through the motions.  I was loyal to the wrong thing.  I was loyal to trying to be the good friend and be everything everyone else wanted me to be.  I was loyal to the idea of keeping up the appearances.  I was loyal to all the wrong things and people.  My attitude towards the church or that church mostly stems from that time period and realizing I had my priorities wrong.  Like I said going through the motions, which is a song that I love to listen to frequently.  It reminds me to not get caught up with people and have my loyalty in the wrong things of life.  To this day I keep many at a distance.  I use to be way overly involved with church and had to be doing twelve things.  Now, while I love my current church deeply and have a love and loyalty there, I keep many walls up.  I love the people in my church, I love their vision and I love so many wonderful people there.  The most important thing though is that my loyalty is to God and His purpose.  I cannot say that about myself all those years ago I filled up every second with doing a dozen things in church.  My heart is serving people in other ways.  God is part of my daily life and I share that with people even if that is by a simple prayer or taking food to a stranger.  I love serving people in that way, but it wasn't until I got all the wrong stuff out of the way and I understood what it meant to have loyalty with God I understood that.

     Fair weather God fans....well we all know what I mean by that.  Why is it people only turn to God when things are wrong?  We actually are all guilty of it at one time or another.  Or what about those that have no use for God when they feel nothing goes their way.  Here is the thing, so many things have not gone my way over many years.  There has been a lot of pain, a lot of sadness and way to many struggles.  Seriously there were times I just wanted to throw up my hands and give up.  That might have been the easier road to take, but not the rewarding one.  However, we were never promised life would be easy or bad would never happen.  We were promised eternal life by simply having our heart and loyalty to our Lord and Savior.  We must put ourselves aside and not be fair weather fans to our Lord.  Even when we fail which we all do God still is there.  We should have the same loyalty....after all eternal life is well worth it.

Mark 8:34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
Matthew 28:20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
 

   

     

DO-OVER!

     We grow up always wanting a second chance.  From early childhood playing a game and losing we immediately call DO OVER  so we can save face and prove we can win.  We have cried do over for the sake of shoving a victory in someones face to save our own.  We cry do over to make ourselves feel good enough and worthy of whatever it is we might be doing.  How many times as a child do we all remember these scenarios?
     As adults we move from the do over phase and move onto more self righteous phase of saving our dignity that we now call second chances.  Second chances generally turn into third and fourth and so on.  Nothing wrong with a second chance as long as that is what it is.  After so many tries you have to wonder if the wrongs are apart of us.  Are the wrongs unchangeable or are they deep rooted character issues.
     Generally speaking we have simple mistakes that we can correct or make better.  Several months ago at work I realized a mistake I had made several months prior but had just realized.  It was my first time working this particular deal and with every situation they are all dealt with so differently so it takes a while to get it down right.  I was fairly new, learning as I went and at the time did not have a direct supervisor to help point out certain things.  Regardless I screwed up.  When I realized the mistake over six months later and I felt nearly sick over it.  I worried for two days.  My boss was not upset, my client was not upset and even defended me in the matter.  To them it was okay, to me I failed.  Basically, we made the situation right and all was fine.  It is now approaching that time of year soon and a new deal will have to be made.  Since this mistake I have post it notes reminding me what to do, marks on calender and a note in file.  My goal....don't screw it up again!  Clearly this was a mistake on my part, but not one I want to make again.  Being conscious of that is first and foremost priority so I do it right next time.  This is a healthy do over or second chance, whatever you want to call it.  It is learning from a past mistake and keeping it in the front of my mind.
     Other mistakes are not so easy to correct.  Asking for a second chance and making some situations better is or feels like nearly impossible at times.  Lets take relationships for example.  Simple mishaps will happen, forgetting to take out the trash, not changing the toilet seat after being asked multiple times or whatever.  Those are minor frustrations, small in the grand scheme of things.  What about the big stuff though?  What happens when you have failed miserably and caused a destruction of hurt along the way.  Those type of second chances are not as easy to repair.
     Look at the difference in people who get divorced or end a bad relationship.  Some of us become hard and numb to certain things.  We become less tolerant of people in general.  We also in fact generally realize that all that obsessing and complaining was useless and small in the grand scheme of things and wonder why we made everything a big deal.  Some of us in fact make significant changes to not be "that person" anymore.  We still fail in other areas, but anything that reminds us of our old selves and the painful memories we try to do anything not to be that person ever again.
     Others have a tendency to cling to others during that time of moving on.  They fill every second to not be alone, to not be caught up in the silence, to not face the deep rooted issues that hide beneath the surface.  Their idea of making a wrong right is a chance at a second chance.  They look for that second chance and they try to make everything that one thing that makes them feel they are doing right.  Basically so they can feel better about themselves.
     Now is one better than the other?  Is it better to become hard and keep people at a distance or better to embrace being surrounded by others to prove we can do a better job.  That probably depends on which side of this you might fall.
     Here is the ultimate factor.  Do overs, second chances or redemption?  Now redemption is a new way of saying it.  Dictionary definition is the act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed and or deliverance; rescue.  What does the Bible say about redemption?  Redemption is the act of buying something back, or paying a price to return something to your possession.  Buying something back?  Okay so that means to gain self dignity some of us harden ourselves to people or some overly embrace others..  We buy our dignity by making ourselves hard or others buy it with being too soft.  When you take the Bible out of it, either of these could be unhealthy.  If you do anything though with Jesus in your heart He can redeem you.  The point is to everything we do is to do it with our Lord and Savior.
     Jesus Christ redeemed us through his sacrifice of death, he purchased us from sin.  We can cry out for do overs or second chances, but we already have that opportunity.  Through Christ we are free of bondage, we are free of trying to prove something to others and ourselves.  So scratch the idea of do overs and hold fast to the gift of grace, Jesus.
Romans 3:23-24
…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus

     

Sitting In Silence

     Finding peace means so many things to so many people.  For me, I had to learn so much through the process of peace.  Most of all it was about learning to be alone and discover who I was.  People often ask me how did I make this change and my answer is this, "I sat in the silence."

     So to explain who I was before I am now.  Yes I know that is confusing...but it is that simple.  This is a hard thing to explain because at the time way back when I had no idea who I was except the fact that I felt so lost and discontent all the time.  I had joy at times, but when it came to being secure with who I was, well lets just say secure was not in my vocabulary.  Looking back and being who I am now I can identify who I was.  I was scared and discontent.  I felt unworthy, mostly because at the time I felt my worth was with what other people thought.  During marriage my identity at first was wrapped up in him and being a mother.  If someone asked me about myself, then I would have said, "Well I am a stay at home mom so I JUST take care of my kids."  I devalued what I did to myself and to others.  I devalued much about myself.  I always wanted people to be pleased with me and to like me and would have done anything for anyone and generally at my expense.  My ex husband told me repeatedly I let people walk all over me and that my friends used me.  I was someone people saw as so in so's mom or so in so's wife, I was the background of a pretty picture that was easily unnoticed yet always there to pull it together.

     There were days I would sit there in my home just feeling so lost and so sad because I clearly felt my life had no purpose.  I felt so so lonely.  Hours, days, weeks, months and years wasted on me always wondering what I was going to do with my life.  My heart was always heavy and so burdened.  Much of this came from feeling like I literally wanted to go crazy from having next to no adult conversation and a husband at the time that spent every second working while the kids were little.  It was mentally, emotionally draining at times.  Please do not misunderstand, I would never take away getting to spend that time with my kids.  Watching them grow up, take their first steps, say their first words and be there for every need they had.  I use to feel very guilty for wanting "my sanity" away from them.  I would tell any new mom now to make time for yourself so you can be a better mom and I would tell any new dad to be there for their kids and wife for everyone sake.  Everyone needs their alone time so they can think, evaluate or cry if they need to.  I was like a little lost puppy when it came to my husband, for years looking up to him and at the time I thought he was to good for me.  Most of the time I would not know what my opinion was until I asked him.  I had no voice, and honestly it only came out when I hit that wall and was ready to blow up.  I felt like the most devalued person because I was never enough.  I was never enough to be given time, to come home to, to relieve me of the craziness our life was and I was never enough for much of anything or at least that was how I felt at the time.

     What happened?  Well things got worse before they got better for sure.  This time period could be a whole other topic as well.  Basically in a nutshell my heart hardened.  I was a bitter, angry woman who was erupting slowly.  Both of us made bad decision then parted our own ways while swapping our kids back forth.  It was a tough time for all.  My heart was so hard at the time, when he brought our divorce papers to me at my office he sobbed so hard and I sat there coldly.  I could not cry anymore.  I didn't have it in me.  I had spent so many years crying and being sad that I was just like a dry well.  Generally people have this thing inside them where it is the end of a chapter and it is sad.  I know this sounds so cold, but it was such a relief, it was a celebration that I had hope for the first time to discover who I was and not be what everyone else wanted me to be.  

     Adjusting to single life was tougher than I thought it would be.  I had been programmed for so long to depend on someone else that I had to learn to be an adult in my thirties.  There was so much I did not know or understand and it was learning process.  The hardest thing was not being with my kids all the time.  Yes I know, I said I needed sanity time, but I mean being there with them at night and not having them every weekend was just flat rough on me.  This was the time that was somewhat scary for me.  I had a new job that was a huge eyeopener to real life and real life problems.  On those weekends without my kids I would sit in this little room at my house and stay up half the night watching movie after movie so I could sleep as long as possible the next day.  I had to keep my mind busy all the time so I did not think.  Unfortunately I am not the type to turn my brain off so that did not work out so well for me.  I found myself sad a lot, no one in my life, no real friends, no life and nothing away from work or kids.  Sitting in silence was one of the hardest most painful things I did at this time.  That time to think and talk to God though was priceless, miserable at times and humbling, but priceless.  I learned things I never knew about myself.  

     My new adventure in working also helped form this new person I am.  It was tough, it was a cruel world out there and being in health care changed a huge part of who I was.  It toughened me up to not be that overly sensitive girl I had always been.  It taught me to have a voice so I could stick up for myself when needed and boy can I tell you I sure did learn that one quite well.  It also showed me how much worse life could be and how to appreciate what you have so much more.  There is nothing more humbling than watching people die on a regular basis or seeing people suffer.  That job while being sometimes the most emotionally draining experience of my life was one of the most rewarding things I could have ever done.  

     Like many death changes things for us.  My grandma passed and I felt so incredibly heart broken with her loss.  Still at that time did not have a whole lot of people in my life so it was a lonely process.  It was the hardest death I had experienced then and still to this day.  I remember one night I took off running down the street in the middle of the night begging God for answers.  Fact is, it is life to experience death, not always easy, but it is what it is.  Soon after grandma being gone, I realized I am the only person that control how my life is and how I handle things.  Many hours sitting in silence, many hours thinking and slowly a life started to form.  You guessed it, it was my life.  Slowly but surely this process happened and it was good.  It was so good.  I learned to laugh, I learned to breath without constant worry and I learned  to stop worrying what everyone else thought and worry about what I thought.  I learned God loved me and he saw me as someone and whatever His plans were He wanted me to see He was in control.  Through grandmas death it was the beginning of me finding my life.

     Now let me clarify I do not have it all figured out by any means.  Yes there are times I wish things were easier and there are times I feel so overwhelmed I can barely see straight.  Overall though I love who I am!  I am funny as heck, have a great sense of humor, I enjoy my life (for the most part haha) and I love who I have in my life now.  I love the people I chose to let in.  Lets face it, we can let a lot of people in and be empty as all get out or we can let a few in we trust and deeply care about and feel whole.  I have learned so much about who I am and I finally feel secure in myself.  I am no longer the backdrop on a pretty picture, but I am the picture in Gods eyes and honestly probably to a few other extraordinary people too. The biggest thing sitting in the silence did for me and talking to God was learning to let go.  Learning to forgive and to not hold onto things was monumental and gave me the great reward of having peace.

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Thank you Lord for the peace you have already given me and continue to guide me with humbleness so that I will have peace for things that are right now and things to come.  Amen

     

     

Where is your heart?

                                                             
     It is not uncommon for people to talk about where their heart is.  Generally we hear, "Home is where the Heart is."  What does that mean exactly?  The common answer is family and friends and the things in our lives we love the most.  Right?  Well of course that is where our minds go. 

     This is my breakdown.  Our children and family is the ultimate importance in our lives.  Nearly everyone would agree and that would likely be every ones response.  So if our children are the most important or family then  why is it people do not act like it.  People work to have a nice house, cars and possessions and they generally say it is for their loved ones they work so hard for.  Ultimately, what good does any of that do for us when we take no time for the beings in our lives that are so important to us.  When my kids were little I would say what do you want to do?  Watch a movie and cuddle they would say.  So I would lay on the couch holding them and watch whatever show they picked out.  It was not the show that meant anything to them, but the cuddles and the fact that I made what they wanted to do a priority.  It was simple.  Dishes could wait, dusting would still be there and yet how common is it for parents to put aside just a few hours to cuddle.  Moms feel pulled so many directions trying to keep up with housework, running errands, bath, dinner and for some work also.  Dads get caught up with their jobs and climbing ladders.  Kids never forget their parents not being there for them just as they never forget when you were.  Give up some time and show your kids they are where your heart is.  Be motivated to show them the right way so one day they may do the same.

     Family may be a touchy subject.  Lets face it we all have a crazy family in some way.  Some may be over opinionated and some may be rarely available.  When it comes down to it family may be the only part of our lives that will always be there.  They don't have to be blood, but just share a bond.  Our parents, grandparents all pass at some point so make every moment count.  You may have a  in-law that rubs you the wrong way, that is either related to the person you choose to be with or maybe someone who one of your loved ones choose to be with.  Either way, they are family. Why put up with it if they are the difficult one?  Well, easy if you have kids think about keeping your family united for them.  Think about the lesson you show your kids by sticking by those people in your life despite whom you may not always agree with.  Family will be there for you no matter what and when it counts the most.  Through all your trials, sorrows, celebrations.  They love you unconditionally.  Teach your kids to love like that.  Never take one moment for granted, it is simple life can end so quickly with no notice.  Never think twice about remembering your family.  Family should always have a place in your heart.

     Everyone wants friends, needs for that matter.  It use to be I felt the need to have many and always had to be doing something with someone.  It was when I was in the deepest spot and needed them most that I found who was really there.  Very few.  Generally friendships are convenient for many people.  Maybe they go to our church, maybe they do not question our bad decisions.  However, now I find myself with friends in my life I rarely may see or talk to on a regular basis.  I can say whatever I need to say without judgment or criticism for slipping up.  They see me as human and love me regardless.  They stand by me no matter what.  Some let me pick them up at a moments notice just to drive around and unleash my madness!  There is something to be said of having someone in your life that shares a likeness and understanding to you.  At one time I had many of friends who always needed a babysitter without being appreciative or to borrow money or to let me listen to all their problems without stopping to consider anyone else.  Now I have a few.  God loving, God fearing, humble friends.  They might have a glass of wine and yes they might say something they shouldn't, but they are true through and through.  They have a piece of my heart for being who they are.

      Let's not forget about being in love.  Since I could make this an entire topic, I will keep it simple.  Being in love is one of the most beautiful gifts we could have.  I have failed at love and love has failed me.  I was not content with myself and you mix one mess with another and it is hard to create the potion of "true love" and all it offers.  How did I find this beautiful gift you probably wonder?  Well I have not but I had to start with me and figuring out who I was and being content.  The truth is I am a closet romantic at heart.  The idea of having someone to love and be loved back seems amazing.  I do not know who this man is yet, but at the same time I do in the ideal sense.  I know he will be true.  At one time I would have said real, but lets face it someone only seems real until they are not.  Being true is about being consistent, it is about not compromising who you are according to who you are with.  I know he will be kind at heart, which if you know me then you know I need someone to balance me out.  He will be a man that will not be afraid to speak up, to say how he feels even if it is uncomfortable, he will cherish me as I do him.  Oh and I will be the best version of myself with him.  I will not have to adjust who I am and always be accepted for being me. Most importantly he will be a man that will want to grow and be better all the time.  He will pray and have a desire for us to be on the same page.  I may not know him and that may be a sign of me daydreaming, but it may be just who God has in store for me.  My heart is already with him, even though I have no idea who that is yet.
    
     Most important piece of me is having Jesus living in my heart.  Having salvation is having hope.  There are many times I make a mess of things, bad attitude, thoughts or dealing with turning things over.  Our God is a forgiving God and accepting him is what allows everything else to fall in place.  It is about be conscious of things we were once unconscious of.  It is about cracking open a window blind and letting in the light.  It was a choice to let Jesus in my heart and I am thankful for his residence.

     This is what I have learned.  No matter where I live, how little I have or where my loved ones are, they are where my heart is.  Cliche as it may be, a part of me does not always feel whole without my children around, without talking to my parents on a regular basis or without remembering the ones I've lost over the years.  I have many homes; my house, my mothers, my fathers, the place my kids are and even where this future unknown man is.  Most importantly my church and where God is in my life. I do not have to be with them all the time or know what they are doing.  I just feel their presence inside of me.  I feel love when I think of each of them, I feel sadness or happiness right along with them.  No matter what, my heart is in many places.

   
  [Jesus Comforts His Disciples] “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” John 14:1-3 NIV

    
      My heart has many rooms just as our Fathers house has many rooms.  Preparing my children to understand that is not only my job, but my pleasure so I will see them again one day.