So to explain who I was before I am now. Yes I know that is confusing...but it is that simple. This is a hard thing to explain because at the time way back when I had no idea who I was except the fact that I felt so lost and discontent all the time. I had joy at times, but when it came to being secure with who I was, well lets just say secure was not in my vocabulary. Looking back and being who I am now I can identify who I was. I was scared and discontent. I felt unworthy, mostly because at the time I felt my worth was with what other people thought. During marriage my identity at first was wrapped up in him and being a mother. If someone asked me about myself, then I would have said, "Well I am a stay at home mom so I JUST take care of my kids." I devalued what I did to myself and to others. I devalued much about myself. I always wanted people to be pleased with me and to like me and would have done anything for anyone and generally at my expense. My ex husband told me repeatedly I let people walk all over me and that my friends used me. I was someone people saw as so in so's mom or so in so's wife, I was the background of a pretty picture that was easily unnoticed yet always there to pull it together.
There were days I would sit there in my home just feeling so lost and so sad because I clearly felt my life had no purpose. I felt so so lonely. Hours, days, weeks, months and years wasted on me always wondering what I was going to do with my life. My heart was always heavy and so burdened. Much of this came from feeling like I literally wanted to go crazy from having next to no adult conversation and a husband at the time that spent every second working while the kids were little. It was mentally, emotionally draining at times. Please do not misunderstand, I would never take away getting to spend that time with my kids. Watching them grow up, take their first steps, say their first words and be there for every need they had. I use to feel very guilty for wanting "my sanity" away from them. I would tell any new mom now to make time for yourself so you can be a better mom and I would tell any new dad to be there for their kids and wife for everyone sake. Everyone needs their alone time so they can think, evaluate or cry if they need to. I was like a little lost puppy when it came to my husband, for years looking up to him and at the time I thought he was to good for me. Most of the time I would not know what my opinion was until I asked him. I had no voice, and honestly it only came out when I hit that wall and was ready to blow up. I felt like the most devalued person because I was never enough. I was never enough to be given time, to come home to, to relieve me of the craziness our life was and I was never enough for much of anything or at least that was how I felt at the time.
What happened? Well things got worse before they got better for sure. This time period could be a whole other topic as well. Basically in a nutshell my heart hardened. I was a bitter, angry woman who was erupting slowly. Both of us made bad decision then parted our own ways while swapping our kids back forth. It was a tough time for all. My heart was so hard at the time, when he brought our divorce papers to me at my office he sobbed so hard and I sat there coldly. I could not cry anymore. I didn't have it in me. I had spent so many years crying and being sad that I was just like a dry well. Generally people have this thing inside them where it is the end of a chapter and it is sad. I know this sounds so cold, but it was such a relief, it was a celebration that I had hope for the first time to discover who I was and not be what everyone else wanted me to be.
Adjusting to single life was tougher than I thought it would be. I had been programmed for so long to depend on someone else that I had to learn to be an adult in my thirties. There was so much I did not know or understand and it was learning process. The hardest thing was not being with my kids all the time. Yes I know, I said I needed sanity time, but I mean being there with them at night and not having them every weekend was just flat rough on me. This was the time that was somewhat scary for me. I had a new job that was a huge eyeopener to real life and real life problems. On those weekends without my kids I would sit in this little room at my house and stay up half the night watching movie after movie so I could sleep as long as possible the next day. I had to keep my mind busy all the time so I did not think. Unfortunately I am not the type to turn my brain off so that did not work out so well for me. I found myself sad a lot, no one in my life, no real friends, no life and nothing away from work or kids. Sitting in silence was one of the hardest most painful things I did at this time. That time to think and talk to God though was priceless, miserable at times and humbling, but priceless. I learned things I never knew about myself.
My new adventure in working also helped form this new person I am. It was tough, it was a cruel world out there and being in health care changed a huge part of who I was. It toughened me up to not be that overly sensitive girl I had always been. It taught me to have a voice so I could stick up for myself when needed and boy can I tell you I sure did learn that one quite well. It also showed me how much worse life could be and how to appreciate what you have so much more. There is nothing more humbling than watching people die on a regular basis or seeing people suffer. That job while being sometimes the most emotionally draining experience of my life was one of the most rewarding things I could have ever done.
Like many death changes things for us. My grandma passed and I felt so incredibly heart broken with her loss. Still at that time did not have a whole lot of people in my life so it was a lonely process. It was the hardest death I had experienced then and still to this day. I remember one night I took off running down the street in the middle of the night begging God for answers. Fact is, it is life to experience death, not always easy, but it is what it is. Soon after grandma being gone, I realized I am the only person that control how my life is and how I handle things. Many hours sitting in silence, many hours thinking and slowly a life started to form. You guessed it, it was my life. Slowly but surely this process happened and it was good. It was so good. I learned to laugh, I learned to breath without constant worry and I learned to stop worrying what everyone else thought and worry about what I thought. I learned God loved me and he saw me as someone and whatever His plans were He wanted me to see He was in control. Through grandmas death it was the beginning of me finding my life.
Now let me clarify I do not have it all figured out by any means. Yes there are times I wish things were easier and there are times I feel so overwhelmed I can barely see straight. Overall though I love who I am! I am funny as heck, have a great sense of humor, I enjoy my life (for the most part haha) and I love who I have in my life now. I love the people I chose to let in. Lets face it, we can let a lot of people in and be empty as all get out or we can let a few in we trust and deeply care about and feel whole. I have learned so much about who I am and I finally feel secure in myself. I am no longer the backdrop on a pretty picture, but I am the picture in Gods eyes and honestly probably to a few other extraordinary people too. The biggest thing sitting in the silence did for me and talking to God was learning to let go. Learning to forgive and to not hold onto things was monumental and gave me the great reward of having peace.
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Thank you Lord for the peace you have already given me and continue to guide me with humbleness so that I will have peace for things that are right now and things to come. Amen
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