Learning To Move Forward

As I sit in the first of another new year reflecting about how all these resolutions will likely only last weeks for most.  Mine will be a constant, learning to deal with the absence of a loved one still.  Afraid I will still be sad for a long time.  Wondering if I will still feel as alone as I do.  Wondering if other people will ever rethink this thing called grief and how they respond to it when they lose someone they love.

See I now have regrets on how I have always handled things.  I was always afraid I would make someone sad if I said something to them after losing someone in their life.  I thought maybe they just wanted to get through a day without feeling different.  Or maybe they were tired of people saying things to them.  I thought I was helping.  I thought this makes me uncomfortable so I am just going to avoid this with them.  I thought like most, time heals and they will be okay after a while.  I thought nothing I can say will make this better.

What I can say now sitting on this, I should have stepped up.  I should have put my discomfort aside and should have reached out to whoever.  See this is a lonely place and while everyone else is moving forward, some of us are just here trying to get through each day.  When everyone else has forgotten we are still here.  We are still grieving.  We are still trying to accept this new life without the person we love.  We are still going through each day as normal and never knowing what may hit us that reminds us of that special person we miss so much.  This is one of those things someone cannot truly understand until that time of life hits them.

The unfortunate part is feeling so irrelevant.  Almost like all your pain is not worthy for someone to take the time to hug you.  To reach out and say I am still thinking of you.  To extend a heartfelt reminder that you are important to them.  I think about all the announcements I have heard in church where someone has died and wonder did people stop reaching out to them six months later.  I wonder are they still sad and lonely.  I am still very uncomfortable with grief, but I would rather make sure someone know they are loved and being thought of are far more important than my weird emotions.  My resolution or goal I guess you would say is to set myself aside for others who may be going through grief.  Even if I do nothing more than remind them I am here if they need me or say lets cry together.  While it may be out of sight out of mind or an uncomfortable situation we should be there for others.  2 Corinthians 1 3-4 says Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  So with every trial and every little thing we face, we should always turn it around and use it for good.  To be there for others.  That is not to say we start a grief group tomorrow of course, but it does mean we can show people that grief is not something to be afraid of.  Grief is a natural part of life and learning to go through life dealing with it is a must.  It is just a matter of what are we going to turn ours around to help others later.

Slow Motion

So often we all talk about how fast time flies by.  We look back and wonder what just happened to the week, month or even the year.  People often say to slow down and enjoy life and rarely we do.  Sometimes I am completely blown away when I look at my children.  Holy cow!  I am not kidding it seems like no time at all and I was a stressed out stay at home mom who was cuddling babies and rotating bath time and making dinners for all these little humans.  Now they can all cook for me!  Wait...what!  Seriously I sometimes get so caught up with the amazement of them and where they are in life.  I feel in disbelief as I look at my adult children and my baby being nearly old enough to drive.  I have officially hit that thresh hold of life, that mid life era where I am between having older parents and having kids with kids.  It seems completely mind blowing and I am sure most of you can relate.  

Over the past several months it seems like time has been in slow motion.  Not in a good way either.  My step dad passed in June and I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to lose a parent.  I can imagine that no one really is.  This time period over the past twelve weeks feels like an eternity.  The first many weeks were a constant emotional roller coaster.  Now it is more sporadic.  However, just the slightest talk about him sends me still in such a sad place.  Sometimes absolutely nothing can happen and I will cry for hours.  I've experienced death before in grandparents which of course was hard.  Death in other family members and even friends.  Death is not an easy concept to grasp.  It leaves you feeling hollow and feeling like an empty being walking around.  Makes you seem as if you are in a world of moving parts, but you only have one motion, steady and slow.  Meanwhile everyone around you is moving and doing their thing and you are just there.  I feel like everyone looks right through me, no one understands, but I know some do.

As a child I am trying to stay strong for my mom, try not to let her see or hear me down so she does not get down.  Although I still do from time to time.  As a mother I tried not to let my kids see me sad, but little did I know that was not going to happen.  My talks with them about it are rare so they do not see me cry.  I remember watching my mom sad after my grandma died and while I was sad I did not totally understand her pain until now.  I knew when this all happened I would have to allow myself to feel grief without letting it slide me in the wrong direction.  Reality as it may be death is part of life whether we like it or not.  Choosing to not spiral out of control through difficult times is a matter of dealing with each moment and not allowing those moments to take us over.  

One thing I can say that has changed for me is not allowing such small things to take over my every day life.  A born worrier I am and Jack would have said " Hey you little shit stop worrying about it because you will just make yourself crazy if you do."  If only I had understood that at the time.  If only I could take back all the wasted time of my life fixating on such stupid things.  Not allowing people to get to me so easily or caught up with whatever ridiculous thing that was going on at the time.  Putting aside all the nonsense has freed me of so much unnecessary stress.  Some things obviously will happen in life that may shake us a bit, but more importantly is how we handle them.  Unfortunately I can honestly say I have made my fair of negative spirals.  This time period as painful as it has been has also taught me great lessons.  Hearing his voice in my head being positive all the time encourages me to be the way he knew I could be.  

Time went by so fast when I was so busy not taking the time to do things I should have been.  I cannot get those moments back and cannot have a do over.  Now while time just seems to go by so slow everything just feels so different.  My mind replays everything back in slow motion too.  Even childhood memories or watching him grow older.  To most it would seem like it has been several months and they forget about the internal war, but to some of us time is just floating right now.  How many times I could not understand these times with others.  How many times I thought this moment would be some day and not now.  Nothing prepares you for this.  Nothing makes the pain just go away, just time and things slowly get better.  For now I will keep floating until it seems the dust has settled.  To all of you with floating hearts I am with you.

No regrets!

I have been known to preach about people taking things for granted.  We all do because of course we are not faultless.  Somehow I always had this drive to really appreciate people in my life.  Looking back I would say that I learned early from one of my grandma's what it meant to appreciate what you have and not dwell on what you don't. 

When I was not quite a year old she became handicapped from a rare disease.  I never grew up knowing any different.  All I knew was she was in a wheel chair and for the early years could do next to nothing for herself.  I knew when my cousin and I would go up to spend a week that we cleaned, helped her to go to the bathroom, we cooked dinner and whatever else our grandpa could find for us to do.  It was not what most people would think of when you spend a week with your grandparents.  It was not all work, but the building of memories we would never forget.  We played a lot of games, I mean a lot.  Grandma loved to play games and it was naturally passed to us girls.  We picked blackberries and after cleaning them we would freeze them for a little while.  The wait was always worth it because we would pull them out just in time and pour some cream and sugar over them for a great treat.  Grandma always had the neatest tricks like that to give us something to look forward to.  Now my point is not to take you down my memory lane, but to give you a small glimpse.  When I was sixteen she passed so I feel like really my life was short with her.  What she taught me was some of the most valuable lessons.  Here is the thing I never remember her feeling sorry for herself.  I remember she appreciated every little milestone that she accomplished.  Even if it was just being able to hold something long enough without dropping it or when she could stir dinner.  She had a heart of gold and honestly to this day one of the most amazing people who has ever been in my life and not because she was family.  

See grandma had a lot of unfair things happen to her all out of her control.  Anyone would understand someone being hurt or angry, but I never saw that in her.  She cherished her family.  I learned early life was not fair, I learned there are never any guarantees.  

Now looking back I can say I honestly and deeply loved my family, of course I still do.  I remember my brothers being the moon and stars to me.  Polar opposites from each other, but man did I look up to each of them in their own way.  Different relationships, but my love for them was always there.  I always said I had four parents.  Yes lots of people have stepparents, but not all are lucky enough to feel as loved by theirs as I did or vice versa.  Needless to say I was surrounded by love and the people I loved.  I can say with all confidence that my kids love strongly too.  They love each other so much and it warms my heart so much to see they have this.  

As an adult there are things that have stood out to me about interaction with others.  In one relationship I could love to a fault, I had no doubt I was loved too, however I knew that I may not be as loved as I should have been.  See love is not always about words, but it is also about sacrifice and putting others above yourself.  Another situation was being loved by someone who stopped giving their all.  Our relationships are always give and take.  Always about giving your best effort to put others above yourself.  We all fail at this from time to time.  I generally have to be cautious of my past throwing up walls with others now.   It is kind of funny as long as I can remember even back to being in high school that I can care deeply and I can try and hang on to whatever it is for the longest time.  However, when I realize I am not a priority, that I feel less important or that I have sacrificed myself far to long with those feelings not being shown or felt back it has been very easy to walk away.  Lets just say once I am done then I am done and no looking back.  Some may say that is not healthy well as I chuckle to myself I do know they may be right.  On the other side of that why waste energy on people who will take you for granted.  Why cause more turmoil if not necessary.  

I saw a lot of things in my health care days, more than I would like to remember sometimes.  I saw so much love within families at times of need.  I saw so much pain through losses.  I also felt so much love and pain in those times.  Sadly I also saw a lot of people die alone.  I heard their stories that ended them up in their death bed and no one by their side.  I still remember the exact room, the exact spot I sat listening to a dying man tell me his story.  It was heart wrenching.  I remember another angry dying cussing old man who made every one's life crazy til the last minute.  I tried so hard with him.  I remember telling him you only have a short time to be nice and not to leave earth on these terms.  I said a lot and he said a lot back and most was not very nice.  From all this experience I want there to be no doubts in my loved ones minds where I was with them.  I want my kids to feel the same love that I did from all my parents.  All oddly different, but I never questioned where I stood with not one of them.  As of right now I have no doubt that my kids feel the power of my love as I did growing up.  

Last night through some sadness I was trying to hide it from my son.  Even told my daughter not to worry he did not see me that way.  She said it is okay if he does.  I thought about this for a little while.  My sadness right now is a representation of a great love.  Love does not always represent itself with smiles and hugs.  I remember when my mom and step dad moved for jobs in another town I had decided to stay and live with my dad.  When I would go visit my step dad would cry every time I would leave.  It felt awful, but I knew I was loved.  Then being in the midst of heartache and your tough dad gets teary eyed because he is sad that you are sad.  Those are moments that even through the pain that love is so evident.  

Without a doubt I have never done everything right.  I have not always been able to put my attitude aside.  I cannot always say I am proud of who I have been or the things I have done.  Like all, we all have our crosses to carry.  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." ~ 1 Peter 4:8   When it comes down to it I do not want to have any regrets with love.  If I raised my kids to not be loving and not see love then that is something I could not forgive myself for.  I appreciate every aspect of my weird family.  I cherish every crazy thing they have done.  Life is too short to look back with regrets.  

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Think of it as Pure Joy!

     Considering the time of year it would seem thankfulness would be quite appropriate.  Every year people posting every day in November their thanks to this or that.  I have done this in years past and did opt out this year.  Not for a lack of thankfulness by any means.  Part of me this year felt it was a little cliche' I guess you could say.  Every year in February I am annoyed by Valentines Day.  My reasoning is simple, why is our society encouraging this "love" one day out of the year.  That being said why are we only thankful in November?
     Seems a lot of people like to feel sorry for themselves now.  Seems a lot of people want to dwell on the past.  Even seems a lot of people holding onto a lot of old grudges.  This baggage just weighs us down, it consumes us.  Recently one of my kids were coming to meet me.  She got in the car frustrated because she had been listening to an individual for a good hour or longer talking about the same thing they had been focused on for years.  All she said was "mom seriously when is so in so going to let this go and see what he has and stop dwelling on the past."  The unfortunate part is this person would not see what they are doing, likely even justify it.  There was a time I sat at home all day with very little adult interaction, had no idea what tomorrow was going to bring and I honestly felt very sorry for myself.  I was depressed and miserable and could not see any light at the time.

     If there is one thing I have learned over many years now it is everything is a choice.  Not feeling sorry for yourself is a choice.  Bad things happen to everyone, I promise they really do, but how we choose to handle ourselves is what defines us.  I wish everyone could work one day with people who are sick, mentally troubled and or dying (those who cannot control what is going on with themselves).  One day would transform anyone.  As I have stated in other writings this is what changed me.  That time was Gods gift to open my eyes or shall I say His suck it up little girl awakening.  Watching people battle real life problems, real sickness and the very real emotions of death changes everything about how you see the world and yourself.  Point being is some people cannot help what is wrong with them and then there are people who can, but choose to not focus on the good.  I know, I was one of them.

     Being thankful is about focusing on all the blessing in our life.  It is a choice to rise above our circumstances and head first take on one objection after another with the Almighty Hand.  This was a hard thing for me to grasp.  I am natural born worrier for sure.  Handing things over and focusing on the positive has taken a long time to get better at.  John 14:1 "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me."   See, we are told not to have troubled hearts so why do we?  

     Last year about this time I guess you could say was quite rough and I learned a valuable lesson.  To make a long story short I found a lump, it was quite large.  I went to doctor just to be on the safe side and even laughed telling him I knew I just needed to lay off the coffee.  He teased me a little then told me to let him decide even though I was probably right.  My doctor could see it without searching for it and he said he had to drain the fluid from it.  No big deal he said.  He stuck the needle in then he made a face, turned the needle and tried again.  I knew something was up because I could see it in his face.  The nurse left, I sat up and he sat down and proceeded to tell me I had to get a mammogram and that it should have drained.  He said I am not telling you it is cancer, but we have to get test to make sure.  The really bad news was that I had to wait two weeks to do the test since I had just had the needle inside.  He stood up to leave and put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a little squeeze.  He has probably experienced that moment hundreds of times, but I had not and I can honestly say that moment will probably never leave my mind.  When I was fourteen this same doctor found a very large cyst that required a major operation to remove.  I never saw that look from him then, my mom probably did, but to be honest with you I was not really even sure how serious it was back then.  It was all I could do to make it to my car without falling apart.  Two weeks!  I had to wait two weeks to find out news that could potentially change my life.  I had no idea how I was going to survive those two weeks.  That day was my daughters birthday and I had a big dinner to go to that night, how was I going to keep it together.  The next few days were tough.  Two days after I was reading the scripture and I came across this.  James 1:2-4  "My brothers and sisters, you will face all kinds of trouble.  When you do, think of it as pure joy.  Your faith will be put to the test.  You know that when that happens it will produce in you the strength to continue.  The strength to keep going must be allowed to finish its work.  Then you will be all you should be.  You will have everything you need."  When I read the part that said think of it as pure joy I let out a sarcastic laugh, then fortunately kept reading.  I realized this sucks and now I have to be strong through this!  Okay I said God everything seems so small now, all the dumb things I worry about, all the stresses I feel, all the bills I have to pay....all so insignificant.  The next day on that Friday morning I woke up crying and all I could think about was if I had to tell my kids I had cancer.  I reached for my phone, had not even put my feet on the floor yet.  My scripture that morning was this.  Jeremiah 29:11-13 "I know the plans I have for you," announces the Lord. " I want you to enjoy success.  I do not plan to harm you. I will give you hope for the years to come.  Then you will call out to me.  You will come and pray to me.  And I will listen to you.  When you look for me with all your heart you will find me."  In two days God spoke to me so clearly.  While I had come so far with worry I had not totally learned to turn things over.  I realized no matter what God had a plan for me and if I let that situation defeat me before I even knew anything then I could not be productive for Him.  My heart became so thankful for everything all of the sudden.  All the little things were gone and everything I loved was so incredibly big.  How could anything else matter than that!  My heart was so full, so grateful and so very much at peace.  God's grace was with me and I am so thankful every single day.  

     All I can say is do not let the little things defeat you and allow God's grace to embrace you!  Just look around trust me you have so much more to be thankful for than you can possibly realize.  Who could ask for anything more.  Thank you Jesus, thank you so much for every trial, every smile and thank you for Your ultimate sacrifice to give us eternal life!  Amen.

     

    

    

Expandable Walls

     Okay so this is a topic that may not apply to everyone.  It is something I am quite passionate about.  As Christians it seems as if our boundaries always have limits.  Many have or do at this time put their good face on for church and the activities that may involve.

     I have reflected many times on the life I had in the past.  When I became a new Christian I was anxious and ready to talk to anyone and everyone.  Pretty much like most.  Most do not understand how to come across in a way in which we do not turn others away.  Generally, after some time, if it sticks we throw ourselves into our church where it is safe.  Some people dive a hundred and ten percent into everything they do in their church.  When my kids were little my ex was a Sunday school teacher of roughly fifty plus adults.  I was in charge of nursery, I led children's church, went to a ladies Bible study, a small group and led a teen girls study.  Also served on a few committees.  Insane I know!

     Why did I do all that!?!  Well, then I would have said I had to.  It was my duty and my responsibility as a church member.  Some may even say it is their calling and for some it may be.  I cannot tell you how many times I or someone else used the excuse that if I did not do it then it will not happen.  Quite frankly this is arrogant!  Another issue is that my motives even though I did not realize at the time were all wrong.  Looking back I believe I needed validation as a person and if I did all these things then people would notice me.  My validation was based on people and their views.

     What really transpired during this time was I did all those things and yes might have had some attention in the process, but my spiritual growth was zilch.  There were likely some good things that happened in that time and hopefully a seed was planted with someone.  Truth is I doubt it.  I thought I was doing all those things with the right intent, but I was not.  

     Another problem is when people do to much in their church they often reach a point of burn out.  After a while they are exhausted, drained and resentment sets in.  They could also be taking away another persons opportunity to step up to the plate.  Some churches have expectations of asking anyone and everyone to do this or that.  Many years ago I visited a church that had a great philosophy on this.  No one could serve until after a year and then their gifts were evaluated.  When the time was right and they were ready they served where their gift was.  I so love this concept!  That churches focus was growing their new believers and having them focus on their relationship with God.

     Okay now going back to the years of burn out.  After all that time, work and running to "serve" others we failed ourselves and we failed out children.  We spoke of what to do and how to do it, then we went home and well let's just say nothing.  No spiritual growth, no Godly relationships.  Our kids just saw us going through the motions and not backing up what we talked.  As I write this I feel a failure, I feel a disgust and a complete sadness.  

     The Bible teaches us to serve and to serve with joy.  Mark 16: 15 says  "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation."  It does not say go into your church and serve there and there alone.  Go unto the world!  Now do not get me wrong I am not saying do not serve in your church, but expand those walls to everyone.  We all have a spiritual gift so find it and use it.  To be honest with you I could not or shall I say should not do some things others have the gift of doing. 1 Corinthians 12: 4-11 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone.  To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.  For to one is given through the Spirit of utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit.

     There was a time I was one of those people when someone needed prayer and I said the words "I will pray for you," then forgot in no time and never did it.  About seven years ago around this time of year I found myself in lets just say the depths of despair.  Incredibly sad from the lose of a loved one and no where to turn...except to God.  It had been a rough time leading up to this anyway, but my grandmothers death was the last straw.  I remember being so devastated I could barely handle it and literally within a week of her death I was in an argument with someone who knew exactly how to hurt me.  I am not sure I will ever forget those words he said.  " You are only upset because you have no one and no one cares about you!"  Oh man those words cut like a knife.  At that time though I had no one (other than my kids) that were meaningful.  It was during this time I had to turn to God, humbly and painfully.  He was all I really had that could understand my pain.  So I talked to Him more and more.  While I will always feel the lose of her death, it was during this time He taught me to rely on Him and Him alone.  My prayers turned from myself and onto others.  Before I knew it I would pray walking down the hallway at work for anyone I saw who looked burdened.  I prayed for every old lady who wanted me to hold their hand and pray with them.  I prayed for those who never knew it.  Today, as crazy as this sounds I use Facebook as a prayer zone.  Every need, every sorrow and every death....I stop and pray.  That is my gift now and I love to do it for people.  Prayer does not have boundaries, it can go with you anywhere.

     1 Timothy 3:1-7 Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him, and he must do so in a manner worthy of full respect.  (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)  He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgement as the devil.  He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap. 

     Wow that is quite the verse!  Can anyone live up to that?  That is a tall list of requirements to serve.  Some of these are easy for many.  I struggle with my own issues like all of us.  John 13:13-17 says it best, "You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am.  If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet.  For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.  Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him.  If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them." 
     Okay so He is our example and we are to be Christ like in all we do.  Today I watched a wonderful video about a man who was drunk in a bar on a Saturday night and the next morning he realized he needed a change so he went to church.  He did not walk out feeling renewed, but walked out with no one speaking to him or reaching out or anything.  He went from a bar stool one night, to a pew the next morning and after leaving felt more love and acceptance from the bar.  In the book of Mark and Luke there are several examples of Jesus with sinners.  He did not limit forgiveness to those who believed in Him, He did not limit the ability to love, His walls went past the already believers and the church.  
     Doing what you are actually called to do rather than going through the motions is far more powerful than igniting a fire behind your tail that gets burned out quickly.   Feed the hungry, talk to those that feel lost, be real about who you are.  Reach out to everyone not just those in the church.  I am not saying not to serve in your church, but remember Jesus reached out to all people.  There is no limit on ministry!

A Second Set of Hands

    No one warned me before having my kids.  It was all CONGRATULATIONS and YAY!  Everyone talks about how sweet the babies are and what a blessing they bring to us.  They fail to mention how those little blessings cry all the time, how they poop all over us and lets face it sleep is rare.

     It is more than safe to say I had no idea what I was doing.  I was a stay at home mom so my job was solely to be their mom.  It was not as simple as feeding them, bathing them and making sure they were safe.  It was teaching them please and thank you.  It was being consistent when you said no.  It was putting out every fire when things did not go their way.  

     About a week or so ago my daughter came over with her new baby, my second grandson.  She decided she would drop my kids off at VBS while I stayed and snuggled the baby.  How sweet he was sleeping in my arms.  All of the sudden my arm and hands became warm and wet.  He started squirming and then of course woke up crying.  Grandma to the rescue!  Simple right?  Yeah well if you all remember new born babies and how fun the process of changing them is.  Turned into stripping of all clothes, carrying his naked body to the sink and attempting to give him a quick bath.  As you can imagine with a boy I was just hoping he would not hose down the kitchen while I was getting the water warm.  I really needed a second pair of hands, even if they were a four year olds hands, anything at this point would have been helpful.  Needless to say baby Jack was not having it, which seemed to rush things.  Lathered him all up, rinsed him off and bundled him in towel and held him close so he would feel at ease.  Awh so precious he was.  I finally sit down on the couch, he is bundled up safe in my arms and so so sweet.  My hand was under his bottom and I was getting ready to lay him down to put a diaper on when all of the sudden this loud vibration filled my hand and what felt like a squishy mess.  All I could say was " Lord have mercy on me!"  Well quickly back up for another quick bath to the lower half with yes you guessed it a very unhappy little boy again.  Finally done and this time with a lot more hustle to get that diaper on.  It was a crazy fifteen minutes, between his two messes and now me who needed to change as well.

     I remember those days and those crazy moments.  Although when they are yours and you are with them all day you might have a dozen moments of panic like that all day.  One minute you are gazing in this beautiful humans eyes and feeling complete awh and the next it looks like their head is about to spiral out of control.  

     Moms have their pride and joy in their kids.  Their whole lives are wrapped up in their children.  We fooled ourselves early on by thinking we have to be perfect and our kids will never do this or that.  I always love hearing moms say how wonderful it is being a mom and what a blessing they are while they are all perfectly put together on the outside.  Lets face it though we know their inside is a crazy mess like the rest of us.  Guess what ladies, it is okay to not be perfect.  My kids were always very polite and well mannered around people.  I was so proud with the many compliments.  That was a reflection of me doing my job.  There were countless compliments of them, still are.  As you know though kids are not always the same perfect creatures at home.  This inner being comes out once you walk through your door and it is a whole other story!  

     We put up a facade that we have it all together and how many times do we cry because everything feels so out of control.  There is no way we can tell anyone or be real about how incredibly hard it is.  A second set of hands is all we need and we can just fold all the laundry, wash the dishes and at the same time quiet the beastly angels we love so much.  There is always that one mom we see whose kids look perfect, her house is spotless and she just seems to have it all together.  Gag!  Those moms made me cringe with everything so perfect!  

     Kids get older and many things get easier.  Their lives change and then so does ours with different struggles.  Yet our image is still trying to keep up the appearance of having it all together.  We still cry in the bathroom because we do not want them to see or we still snap because we have felt our failure come out.  

     My oldest daughter was fifteen when she became pregnant.  She went to church every Sunday and two different youth groups.  She hung around with good kids and kids who spent the same amount of time in church.  We had every serious conversation you can imagine from religion, friends, pressures teens face.  I was not naive by any means just hopeful all I had tried to enforce would stick.  The news of her pregnancy was so very upsetting.  I felt a failure in myself, a disappointment and I felt so much fear.  How did this happen? I was trying to do everything right.  Of course I did not do everything right because none of us do.  It took a long many months to get my head in check.  It was several months in to her pregnancy my oldest two and her friend telling me what high school was really like.  Hearing stories of what would be perceived good kids doing the same thing as everyone else.  Only difference was mine got caught and other parents were living in LaLa land saying, " No I talked to my kids and they said they wanted to wait,"  Ahhh yeah well my kid said that too!  The failure I had felt as a parent during that time, made me reflect on my own teen years.   I realized you can be close to your kids, but there are more than likely some things they just will not share with you.  Mostly guilt or conviction on their part and not wanting to let you down.  Yes I remember feeling that way.  It was then I realized I was not a failure, I was normal.

     In the midst of all the chaos during that time she had a friend whom at the time was very close to all of us in the family.  She confided in me, she vented and she could be real.  Many times she complained of her own mother and pointing out her constant hypocrisy.  One day this young lady was yet again venting and proceeded to tell us that her mother blamed divorce on my daughters pregnancy.  Low and behold it was my fault she got pregnant!  Sorry, but the humor of that gets me every time.  I can say this, I was not that offended because one the source and two the ignorance.  For starters this comment  (that has managed to be told to me many times over the years because of this individual) is asinine considering this very person had her own children out of wedlock and her own daughter was doing the exact same thing.  Don't get me wrong I realize divorce does things to kids, but if you were to speak to my daughter today she would say it was the pressure of being a teen girl and wanting a boys approval.  Regardless moms if I can get one thing through your heads it would be this....DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE MOMS!  Why is this so important?  We must realize we are imperfect and our kids will be too no matter how naive we may be.  Teach your kids about failure and then teach them how to learn from it.  Teach them they do not have to hide out and cry alone because of a bad choice.  This is life, an imperfect profound life that we can learn from.  Romans 3:23 "for all have sinned and fall short the glory of God."  This one simple verse says it all!  Ladies, moms and grandmas we do not have to hide behind a mask of perfection.  It is okay, we are not alone in any struggle, any trial and any imperfections whether it be of us or our kids.  Be real with your kids, allow them to see your imperfections, talk to them and then learn to be humble.

     At the end of the day our kids are our beautiful miracles.  We love them unconditionally.  Our lives may be filled with chaos and stress and we may want to have a nervous breakdown.  It does get easier.  Some of the best advice I ever got as a young mother of young children was this, when we feel overwhelmed and are not feeling the joy, just say get on back Satan, nothing going to steal my joy.  Stop, breath and realize you are not alone.  Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Say these things over and over again if you need to, believe me it helps.  When we feel alone and need that second set of hands to help us through, realize we are in God's hands so that is even better!

Psalm 138:3  "In the day when I cried out, You answered me and made me bold with strength in my soul."

    

To Be Destroyed....Or Not!

     Generally I do not start with a scripture, but this would not be the same if I did not start with how this thought happened.  In the process of reading Proverbs, which I love by the way, I came across a verse that made me chuckle.

     Proverbs 13:3 Anyone who guards what he says guards his life. But anyone who speaks without thinking will be destroyed.  Solid words of wisdom yet what hit me as funny was how many times do we or I want to destroy someone who does not think?  I apologize if my sense of humor is misunderstood.  Like many of you we are exposed to so many types of people and to put it nicely some of those people are not the smartest of individuals.  We all face those moments when we can choose to lash out or we can choose to hold our tongues.  

     Lets face it this would be way to long if I broke down the nature of different personalities so I will throw myself on the chopping block to explain where I am coming from.  After years of being the type who never spoke up and honestly was quite miserable in the process I had to learn to find a voice.  While discovering this boldness that was buried underneath all the yuck it occurred to me there has to be a balance.  One thing I was always good at was observing people and on many levels I admired the bold in others.  Although as we all know men generally come across like jerks and women well we all know how they come across.  Being bold does not always mean they think so this is where there has to be a balance.

     It is safe to say I do not have a problem speaking up now, however knowing when and how to are key to not being destroyed as the scripture puts it.  James 1:19 My dear brothers and sisters, pay attention to what I say.  Everyone should be quick to listen.  But they should be slow to speak.  They should be slow to get angry. 

     If only I could master this scripture to the fullest!  With most I have no problem listening and then processing how I want to reply that would be the most productive.  Then there are those certain people that automatically ignite this irrational anger in us so we let all this fly out the window.  

     Since I am throwing myself under I shall give two example of this from my own personal experience.  Recently, I had a phone call that started with irrational lashing out.  For about two seconds I tried to remain calm, even asked if he would like to hear the whole story and not just the one side.  His lack of thinking perpetuated this fire that made me want to destroy him.  Yeah yeah I know that is not what the scripture was meaning for us to be doing the destroying.  Okay I must confess my actual thought was "you are an idiot and you are pissing me off'," not very productive I know.  Needless to say this lack of thinking on one persons part led to me not thinking on mine.  See how important it is for everyone to think before they speak?  That evening I was fuming, by next day I was like okay whatever he is ridiculous so I am not losing sleep over it.  What have I learned?  Hmmm do not answer your phone from irrational people because they make me irrational?  Ummm well maybe more like this, if this were to happen again most importantly control how I react.  I cannot control the lunacy and lack of thinking of idiots oh I mean some people, but we can control how we respond. 

     My next example which I handled much better for the exception of that fume remaining on a leash and not escaping my mouth that time.  No need for a lot of details, but to sum it up an individual, another male in fact who has a regular problem of never thinking before he speaks.  To be as nice as possible this individuals words never carry any weight with anyone.  Sad to say, but there are a lot of those out there and they do not even see it.  In this situation he attempted to throw someone else under the bus when everyone else knew it was his issue, his lack of follow through and his laziness that was the true issue.  To be honest, he made a passive aggressive comment to make himself feel better.  For what ever reason it seriously rubbed me the wrong way.  Generally I can nod and act like things are no big deal because my philosophy with certain types is you cannot rationalize with some people, ever.  I can honestly tell you I was boiling over and felt like my skin was on fire.  Inside I was screaming "That's it!  You are crazy!  Shut your pie hole! etc etc"  I generally try to avoid people that bring this out in me, it is safer for everyone that way.  Unfortunately I was not so lucky this particular day.  Miraculously somehow I managed to bite my lip, literally and it hurt!  I knew nothing productive would come out of me reacting so I zipped it shut and saved probably several lives in the process.  Score one for me!  

     Well we all have our issues and we all have those moments we have to resist the tongue.  We also have those moments our tempers may get the better of us.  Growth is about learning from those times.  When faced with a person who is always so quick with their words generally speaking those people shut others down.  Facebook is a perfect example of this.  People always say did you see so in so's post or this or that.  Ahhh no because all the short tempers, drama queens and completely non productive negativity has turned myself and others in the tunnel of avoidance.  Like I said, we cannot change others, but we can control our reactions.  What we can do for others is be real.  Yes we will fall flat on our faces in failure at times, but if we are real and not arrogant about it that goes much farther than a big show to keep up appearances.  Keep your heart in check, I know I joke about idiots and whatnot, but here is the thing in all things we have no idea what is going on with others so do not be to harsh.  Most importantly pray!  What else is more peaceful.  

     

Colossians 2:2-3

My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, 

3 in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.