Slow Motion

So often we all talk about how fast time flies by.  We look back and wonder what just happened to the week, month or even the year.  People often say to slow down and enjoy life and rarely we do.  Sometimes I am completely blown away when I look at my children.  Holy cow!  I am not kidding it seems like no time at all and I was a stressed out stay at home mom who was cuddling babies and rotating bath time and making dinners for all these little humans.  Now they can all cook for me!  Wait...what!  Seriously I sometimes get so caught up with the amazement of them and where they are in life.  I feel in disbelief as I look at my adult children and my baby being nearly old enough to drive.  I have officially hit that thresh hold of life, that mid life era where I am between having older parents and having kids with kids.  It seems completely mind blowing and I am sure most of you can relate.  

Over the past several months it seems like time has been in slow motion.  Not in a good way either.  My step dad passed in June and I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to lose a parent.  I can imagine that no one really is.  This time period over the past twelve weeks feels like an eternity.  The first many weeks were a constant emotional roller coaster.  Now it is more sporadic.  However, just the slightest talk about him sends me still in such a sad place.  Sometimes absolutely nothing can happen and I will cry for hours.  I've experienced death before in grandparents which of course was hard.  Death in other family members and even friends.  Death is not an easy concept to grasp.  It leaves you feeling hollow and feeling like an empty being walking around.  Makes you seem as if you are in a world of moving parts, but you only have one motion, steady and slow.  Meanwhile everyone around you is moving and doing their thing and you are just there.  I feel like everyone looks right through me, no one understands, but I know some do.

As a child I am trying to stay strong for my mom, try not to let her see or hear me down so she does not get down.  Although I still do from time to time.  As a mother I tried not to let my kids see me sad, but little did I know that was not going to happen.  My talks with them about it are rare so they do not see me cry.  I remember watching my mom sad after my grandma died and while I was sad I did not totally understand her pain until now.  I knew when this all happened I would have to allow myself to feel grief without letting it slide me in the wrong direction.  Reality as it may be death is part of life whether we like it or not.  Choosing to not spiral out of control through difficult times is a matter of dealing with each moment and not allowing those moments to take us over.  

One thing I can say that has changed for me is not allowing such small things to take over my every day life.  A born worrier I am and Jack would have said " Hey you little shit stop worrying about it because you will just make yourself crazy if you do."  If only I had understood that at the time.  If only I could take back all the wasted time of my life fixating on such stupid things.  Not allowing people to get to me so easily or caught up with whatever ridiculous thing that was going on at the time.  Putting aside all the nonsense has freed me of so much unnecessary stress.  Some things obviously will happen in life that may shake us a bit, but more importantly is how we handle them.  Unfortunately I can honestly say I have made my fair of negative spirals.  This time period as painful as it has been has also taught me great lessons.  Hearing his voice in my head being positive all the time encourages me to be the way he knew I could be.  

Time went by so fast when I was so busy not taking the time to do things I should have been.  I cannot get those moments back and cannot have a do over.  Now while time just seems to go by so slow everything just feels so different.  My mind replays everything back in slow motion too.  Even childhood memories or watching him grow older.  To most it would seem like it has been several months and they forget about the internal war, but to some of us time is just floating right now.  How many times I could not understand these times with others.  How many times I thought this moment would be some day and not now.  Nothing prepares you for this.  Nothing makes the pain just go away, just time and things slowly get better.  For now I will keep floating until it seems the dust has settled.  To all of you with floating hearts I am with you.