Slow Motion

So often we all talk about how fast time flies by.  We look back and wonder what just happened to the week, month or even the year.  People often say to slow down and enjoy life and rarely we do.  Sometimes I am completely blown away when I look at my children.  Holy cow!  I am not kidding it seems like no time at all and I was a stressed out stay at home mom who was cuddling babies and rotating bath time and making dinners for all these little humans.  Now they can all cook for me!  Wait...what!  Seriously I sometimes get so caught up with the amazement of them and where they are in life.  I feel in disbelief as I look at my adult children and my baby being nearly old enough to drive.  I have officially hit that thresh hold of life, that mid life era where I am between having older parents and having kids with kids.  It seems completely mind blowing and I am sure most of you can relate.  

Over the past several months it seems like time has been in slow motion.  Not in a good way either.  My step dad passed in June and I was not mentally or emotionally prepared to lose a parent.  I can imagine that no one really is.  This time period over the past twelve weeks feels like an eternity.  The first many weeks were a constant emotional roller coaster.  Now it is more sporadic.  However, just the slightest talk about him sends me still in such a sad place.  Sometimes absolutely nothing can happen and I will cry for hours.  I've experienced death before in grandparents which of course was hard.  Death in other family members and even friends.  Death is not an easy concept to grasp.  It leaves you feeling hollow and feeling like an empty being walking around.  Makes you seem as if you are in a world of moving parts, but you only have one motion, steady and slow.  Meanwhile everyone around you is moving and doing their thing and you are just there.  I feel like everyone looks right through me, no one understands, but I know some do.

As a child I am trying to stay strong for my mom, try not to let her see or hear me down so she does not get down.  Although I still do from time to time.  As a mother I tried not to let my kids see me sad, but little did I know that was not going to happen.  My talks with them about it are rare so they do not see me cry.  I remember watching my mom sad after my grandma died and while I was sad I did not totally understand her pain until now.  I knew when this all happened I would have to allow myself to feel grief without letting it slide me in the wrong direction.  Reality as it may be death is part of life whether we like it or not.  Choosing to not spiral out of control through difficult times is a matter of dealing with each moment and not allowing those moments to take us over.  

One thing I can say that has changed for me is not allowing such small things to take over my every day life.  A born worrier I am and Jack would have said " Hey you little shit stop worrying about it because you will just make yourself crazy if you do."  If only I had understood that at the time.  If only I could take back all the wasted time of my life fixating on such stupid things.  Not allowing people to get to me so easily or caught up with whatever ridiculous thing that was going on at the time.  Putting aside all the nonsense has freed me of so much unnecessary stress.  Some things obviously will happen in life that may shake us a bit, but more importantly is how we handle them.  Unfortunately I can honestly say I have made my fair of negative spirals.  This time period as painful as it has been has also taught me great lessons.  Hearing his voice in my head being positive all the time encourages me to be the way he knew I could be.  

Time went by so fast when I was so busy not taking the time to do things I should have been.  I cannot get those moments back and cannot have a do over.  Now while time just seems to go by so slow everything just feels so different.  My mind replays everything back in slow motion too.  Even childhood memories or watching him grow older.  To most it would seem like it has been several months and they forget about the internal war, but to some of us time is just floating right now.  How many times I could not understand these times with others.  How many times I thought this moment would be some day and not now.  Nothing prepares you for this.  Nothing makes the pain just go away, just time and things slowly get better.  For now I will keep floating until it seems the dust has settled.  To all of you with floating hearts I am with you.

No regrets!

I have been known to preach about people taking things for granted.  We all do because of course we are not faultless.  Somehow I always had this drive to really appreciate people in my life.  Looking back I would say that I learned early from one of my grandma's what it meant to appreciate what you have and not dwell on what you don't. 

When I was not quite a year old she became handicapped from a rare disease.  I never grew up knowing any different.  All I knew was she was in a wheel chair and for the early years could do next to nothing for herself.  I knew when my cousin and I would go up to spend a week that we cleaned, helped her to go to the bathroom, we cooked dinner and whatever else our grandpa could find for us to do.  It was not what most people would think of when you spend a week with your grandparents.  It was not all work, but the building of memories we would never forget.  We played a lot of games, I mean a lot.  Grandma loved to play games and it was naturally passed to us girls.  We picked blackberries and after cleaning them we would freeze them for a little while.  The wait was always worth it because we would pull them out just in time and pour some cream and sugar over them for a great treat.  Grandma always had the neatest tricks like that to give us something to look forward to.  Now my point is not to take you down my memory lane, but to give you a small glimpse.  When I was sixteen she passed so I feel like really my life was short with her.  What she taught me was some of the most valuable lessons.  Here is the thing I never remember her feeling sorry for herself.  I remember she appreciated every little milestone that she accomplished.  Even if it was just being able to hold something long enough without dropping it or when she could stir dinner.  She had a heart of gold and honestly to this day one of the most amazing people who has ever been in my life and not because she was family.  

See grandma had a lot of unfair things happen to her all out of her control.  Anyone would understand someone being hurt or angry, but I never saw that in her.  She cherished her family.  I learned early life was not fair, I learned there are never any guarantees.  

Now looking back I can say I honestly and deeply loved my family, of course I still do.  I remember my brothers being the moon and stars to me.  Polar opposites from each other, but man did I look up to each of them in their own way.  Different relationships, but my love for them was always there.  I always said I had four parents.  Yes lots of people have stepparents, but not all are lucky enough to feel as loved by theirs as I did or vice versa.  Needless to say I was surrounded by love and the people I loved.  I can say with all confidence that my kids love strongly too.  They love each other so much and it warms my heart so much to see they have this.  

As an adult there are things that have stood out to me about interaction with others.  In one relationship I could love to a fault, I had no doubt I was loved too, however I knew that I may not be as loved as I should have been.  See love is not always about words, but it is also about sacrifice and putting others above yourself.  Another situation was being loved by someone who stopped giving their all.  Our relationships are always give and take.  Always about giving your best effort to put others above yourself.  We all fail at this from time to time.  I generally have to be cautious of my past throwing up walls with others now.   It is kind of funny as long as I can remember even back to being in high school that I can care deeply and I can try and hang on to whatever it is for the longest time.  However, when I realize I am not a priority, that I feel less important or that I have sacrificed myself far to long with those feelings not being shown or felt back it has been very easy to walk away.  Lets just say once I am done then I am done and no looking back.  Some may say that is not healthy well as I chuckle to myself I do know they may be right.  On the other side of that why waste energy on people who will take you for granted.  Why cause more turmoil if not necessary.  

I saw a lot of things in my health care days, more than I would like to remember sometimes.  I saw so much love within families at times of need.  I saw so much pain through losses.  I also felt so much love and pain in those times.  Sadly I also saw a lot of people die alone.  I heard their stories that ended them up in their death bed and no one by their side.  I still remember the exact room, the exact spot I sat listening to a dying man tell me his story.  It was heart wrenching.  I remember another angry dying cussing old man who made every one's life crazy til the last minute.  I tried so hard with him.  I remember telling him you only have a short time to be nice and not to leave earth on these terms.  I said a lot and he said a lot back and most was not very nice.  From all this experience I want there to be no doubts in my loved ones minds where I was with them.  I want my kids to feel the same love that I did from all my parents.  All oddly different, but I never questioned where I stood with not one of them.  As of right now I have no doubt that my kids feel the power of my love as I did growing up.  

Last night through some sadness I was trying to hide it from my son.  Even told my daughter not to worry he did not see me that way.  She said it is okay if he does.  I thought about this for a little while.  My sadness right now is a representation of a great love.  Love does not always represent itself with smiles and hugs.  I remember when my mom and step dad moved for jobs in another town I had decided to stay and live with my dad.  When I would go visit my step dad would cry every time I would leave.  It felt awful, but I knew I was loved.  Then being in the midst of heartache and your tough dad gets teary eyed because he is sad that you are sad.  Those are moments that even through the pain that love is so evident.  

Without a doubt I have never done everything right.  I have not always been able to put my attitude aside.  I cannot always say I am proud of who I have been or the things I have done.  Like all, we all have our crosses to carry.  "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." ~ 1 Peter 4:8   When it comes down to it I do not want to have any regrets with love.  If I raised my kids to not be loving and not see love then that is something I could not forgive myself for.  I appreciate every aspect of my weird family.  I cherish every crazy thing they have done.  Life is too short to look back with regrets.  

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-3