When I was not quite a year old she became handicapped from a rare disease. I never grew up knowing any different. All I knew was she was in a wheel chair and for the early years could do next to nothing for herself. I knew when my cousin and I would go up to spend a week that we cleaned, helped her to go to the bathroom, we cooked dinner and whatever else our grandpa could find for us to do. It was not what most people would think of when you spend a week with your grandparents. It was not all work, but the building of memories we would never forget. We played a lot of games, I mean a lot. Grandma loved to play games and it was naturally passed to us girls. We picked blackberries and after cleaning them we would freeze them for a little while. The wait was always worth it because we would pull them out just in time and pour some cream and sugar over them for a great treat. Grandma always had the neatest tricks like that to give us something to look forward to. Now my point is not to take you down my memory lane, but to give you a small glimpse. When I was sixteen she passed so I feel like really my life was short with her. What she taught me was some of the most valuable lessons. Here is the thing I never remember her feeling sorry for herself. I remember she appreciated every little milestone that she accomplished. Even if it was just being able to hold something long enough without dropping it or when she could stir dinner. She had a heart of gold and honestly to this day one of the most amazing people who has ever been in my life and not because she was family.
See grandma had a lot of unfair things happen to her all out of her control. Anyone would understand someone being hurt or angry, but I never saw that in her. She cherished her family. I learned early life was not fair, I learned there are never any guarantees.
Now looking back I can say I honestly and deeply loved my family, of course I still do. I remember my brothers being the moon and stars to me. Polar opposites from each other, but man did I look up to each of them in their own way. Different relationships, but my love for them was always there. I always said I had four parents. Yes lots of people have stepparents, but not all are lucky enough to feel as loved by theirs as I did or vice versa. Needless to say I was surrounded by love and the people I loved. I can say with all confidence that my kids love strongly too. They love each other so much and it warms my heart so much to see they have this.
As an adult there are things that have stood out to me about interaction with others. In one relationship I could love to a fault, I had no doubt I was loved too, however I knew that I may not be as loved as I should have been. See love is not always about words, but it is also about sacrifice and putting others above yourself. Another situation was being loved by someone who stopped giving their all. Our relationships are always give and take. Always about giving your best effort to put others above yourself. We all fail at this from time to time. I generally have to be cautious of my past throwing up walls with others now. It is kind of funny as long as I can remember even back to being in high school that I can care deeply and I can try and hang on to whatever it is for the longest time. However, when I realize I am not a priority, that I feel less important or that I have sacrificed myself far to long with those feelings not being shown or felt back it has been very easy to walk away. Lets just say once I am done then I am done and no looking back. Some may say that is not healthy well as I chuckle to myself I do know they may be right. On the other side of that why waste energy on people who will take you for granted. Why cause more turmoil if not necessary.
I saw a lot of things in my health care days, more than I would like to remember sometimes. I saw so much love within families at times of need. I saw so much pain through losses. I also felt so much love and pain in those times. Sadly I also saw a lot of people die alone. I heard their stories that ended them up in their death bed and no one by their side. I still remember the exact room, the exact spot I sat listening to a dying man tell me his story. It was heart wrenching. I remember another angry dying cussing old man who made every one's life crazy til the last minute. I tried so hard with him. I remember telling him you only have a short time to be nice and not to leave earth on these terms. I said a lot and he said a lot back and most was not very nice. From all this experience I want there to be no doubts in my loved ones minds where I was with them. I want my kids to feel the same love that I did from all my parents. All oddly different, but I never questioned where I stood with not one of them. As of right now I have no doubt that my kids feel the power of my love as I did growing up.
Last night through some sadness I was trying to hide it from my son. Even told my daughter not to worry he did not see me that way. She said it is okay if he does. I thought about this for a little while. My sadness right now is a representation of a great love. Love does not always represent itself with smiles and hugs. I remember when my mom and step dad moved for jobs in another town I had decided to stay and live with my dad. When I would go visit my step dad would cry every time I would leave. It felt awful, but I knew I was loved. Then being in the midst of heartache and your tough dad gets teary eyed because he is sad that you are sad. Those are moments that even through the pain that love is so evident.
Without a doubt I have never done everything right. I have not always been able to put my attitude aside. I cannot always say I am proud of who I have been or the things I have done. Like all, we all have our crosses to carry. "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." ~ 1 Peter 4:8 When it comes down to it I do not want to have any regrets with love. If I raised my kids to not be loving and not see love then that is something I could not forgive myself for. I appreciate every aspect of my weird family. I cherish every crazy thing they have done. Life is too short to look back with regrets.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." ~ 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
